You Don’t Know Until You Know

I have someone quite close to me who says often “You don’t know until you know.” We laugh and tease about this quip of hers being the answer to everything. In the last ten days this saying has become so profound. Here is why:

Last Wednesday morning after coffee I stepped into my husband’s arms for a warm hug. When I pulled away and looked up at him his face showed signs of concern. He said “Tam, something is wrong, I can’t move my leg.”  real and tam

That was the moment my world stood still.

My husband and I quickly became part of the western medical world as we struggled to find a diagnosis. It was a strange place to be for two who pride themselves on holistic, all-natural healthcare. Chiropractor, emergency room visits, a stay in the intensive care unit, and an eventual craniotomy has kept he and I on am emotional roller coaster wondering would he ever walk again. Would we have to move? Would he be able to resume his career? How would we cover these new expenses? The questions came fast and furious as we fought to focus on his healing.

On the second day after having just left my husband at the ICU wired to monitors and sad, I drove home alone and in tears.  In my dark upstairs office I became overwhelmed with sadness. I felt alone and desperate. With tears streaming down my face I started writing a letter to my family and friends. You see, my husband is fiercely private, to share our woes publicly would be to “tell too much”. But I was hurting so much, I knew I needed support if I was going to manage this, and I believe so strongly in the energy of groups that I overlooked my husband’s ideas and formulated my own. “I need help” was all I knew, I had to reach out and I trust that we would be held up by our family and friends.

I was not wrong.

Fifteen minutes after posting a private FB message I began receiving text messages of support, and a loving phone call. Posts showed up in the comments section offering anything I needed and prayers hit us in massive waves. Suddenly I felt stronger. Fortified. I was imbued with an inner knowing that all of the madness would end and we would be okay.

The medical battle went on for several days before we got a firm diagnosis and quite quickly an operating room slot opened up and brain surgery was scheduled. It happened in a blur. From a Wednesday morning paralysis to a Tuesday morning craniotomy and home again the day following surgery – we managed it all and are on the road to recovery — and change.

What we didn’t know until we knew was…

…the magical properties of a chain of prayer (what began as a tumor was reduced to blood clot, what began as cancer was reduced to a random act of God, a 2-4 hour surgery turned into 60 minutes of surgery, 2-7 days of post-surgery hospital stay in the ICU became an overnight visit on a hospital floor.)

…there is no time for pride when you feel devastation (requesting help and reaching out on-line created a network of support like nothing I’ve ever known.)

…the importance of levity when in crisis (I have a slew of mohawk haircut and Frankenstein jokes to work with. Twenty nine scalp staples – not pretty!)

 …the burning strength found in knowing how much people care about you (without question we were overwhelmed with love which motivated me in ways I didn’t know were possible.)

…the power of the mind to create beautiful outcomes (I spent time during each day seeing my husband walking and running. I spent time visualizing the synapses in his brain connecting and firing so that he could engage his leg muscles. Many friends spent time in similar ways along with distance energy healings.)

…the generosity, compassion and purity of heart of humans everywhere (Doctors, nurses, advocated, neighbors, family members, friends both close-by as well as the virtual community were remarkable in their drive to make everything easier for us).

What I couldn’t know until I knew is that miracles do happen to every day and that I would be the recipient of one.

I consider myself not only an author and mindset trainer, but also a consciousness leader which means I believe strongly in the manipulation of energy, the power of prayer and the ability to change your life as soon as you are ready. But after this series of events, as sound of spirit as I am, I still have much processing to do in order to truly absorb all that we have gone through and the lessons involved with our experience. My husband has commented many times that “things will change” and I know deeply that this is true.

I pray that I never need an experience like this again to remind me how grand my life is and to live always in the now. I want to remember what I received from this lesson. My heart is so full of gratitude that his life was spared, that we are given a chance to look at life differently and view each moment through a new lens.

I didn’t know until I knew that my rose-colored glasses could work better with a different lens. What I did know before but know even stronger now is that love changes everything.